Let Me Be
by Sokoshi
Summary: Wasn't bad enough to be worthless? Why is it that no matter how much I fight you, I wound myself more? Do you not love me enough to let me go? You once said you would give me whatever I wanted, would you give me death? NOT FOR KIDS UNDER AT LEAST 16. R&R
1. Chapter 1

I don't own the characters from Twilight nor do I own the poem Girl Forever Gone by Angie Flores

_Her face is puffy and red, while painful tears stream down her sad face._  
><em>She cries out loudly, hoping someone will hear her silent screams.<em>  
><em>So many voices going through her head,<em>  
><em>telling her how better she would feel if she were dead.<em>  
><em>She places her shaking hands over her ears, trying not to listen.<em>  
><em>She yells out once again for help, yet no one comes to her rescue.<em>  
><em>She then remains sitting there on her cold bathroom floor, while the clock ticks by.<em>  
><em>Her body begins to shake uncontrollably, unable to stop it all.<em>  
><em>Starting to realize that no one cares, feeling so alone and helpless.<em>  
><em>She finally comes to the decision that there is only one thing left to do.<em>

BPov

_I don't want you._

Why? I'm sorry. I'll change.

_I don't want you._

I'm sorry.

_I don't want you._

Please.

_I don't want you._

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep up my facade, I can't keep living. The pain of it is just to much. I tried.

_Excuse. Try harder._

Why?

_Try._

I can't. You were right about one thing. I am human. I can only survive so much before I snap and break completely.

_You promised you'd stay safe._

You promised it would be as if you never existed.

_What about Charlie, Renee, your friends?_

Charlie isn't enough anymore. Renee has already moved on. What friends. This is pathetic. I'm arguing with the sound of his voice. He left. They all left. And they're never coming back. So here I am, in my bathroom with this knife. I always thought I would be to afraid to do something like this. I used to think if it ever came down to something like this I would chicken out. Now that I'm here, I see nothing else as an alternative. I hope the note I left will be sufficent enough for Charlie.

He goes nothing. This way it will be over. No more pain. No more nightmares. No more thoughts of HIM. No more.

_You promised . . . _

"I tried."

I can feel the sweet rejoice of physical pain, just a little deeper, little more. There we go, now the other one. Finally freedom from the memories, the nauseating pain of hurt. It's getting darker now, things are fuzzing out.

I try to move my head to see what the big bang was, but all I can see is some blonde in a white coat. His hands are so cold, why is grabbing my wrists, is he trying to stop the bleeding. Surely he can tell he's to late.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't let you die."

Die? It's what I want. Why would this blonde god denie me my escape? I know it's to late.

Fire. It's burning.

Cpov

Listening to Alice talk about her horrific vision was horrendous. One of my children needing my help. It was decided I would be the one to go because of all the blood. I had to hurry. We should have never listened to Edward, we should have stayed behind.

I've finally reached her house, and already I can smell gracious amounts of the sweet perfume of Bella's blood.

"_I tried."_

You tried what Bella? I rush in through the door, straight up the stairs to bathroom throwing the door open into the wall.

Oh my God. I have to stop the bleeding. Applying pressure isn't working, she's lost to much. I can't let my little girl die. She's going to hate me, but I have no choice. I wont let her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't let you die."

I bend her head at an angle, and bite at her neck. Careful to not draw out any more of her blood, but still pump in my venom. She fallen unconscious. I slowly pick her up. Blood is all over the floor, I don't have time to worry about cleaning it up. I need to get her out of here, I need to get her back to our house in Alaska. Damn it, I should of brought my car. No choice, I'm going to have to run her there, or at least far enough away no one will hear her scream. On my way out of her house I spot a note for Charlie and grab it. If he had found the note and blood but no Bella, things would get bad. At least with the blood and no Bella I can work with it. I get to the forest when Bella releases a painful scream. It's begun, only about 1500 miles to go. We'll be there in about 2 hours. I hope Alice foresaw this and has a room set up for her. I hope that I've done the right thing. I hope she'll forgive me for all that I and my family have done.

Sorry if it's a little rushed, I just wanted to get the first one done and out of the way so I can move on to the actually story please enjoy and do review, just no flames. I do take helpful advice. Sorry if its also short, I will work on that in the future.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Twilight, or its characters, I just love playing with them. Nor do I own the song Running up that Hill by Placebo/Kate Bush.

Special thanks to vipend, for being my first reviewer.

_It doesn't hurt me._  
><em> You wanna feel how it feels?<em>  
><em> You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?<em>  
><em> You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?<em>  
><em> You be running up that hill<em>  
><em> You and me be running up that hill<em>

Bpov

This pain. It's burning, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." Why?

Is this death?

"_I'm sorry, but I can't let you die."_

The blonde demon from before.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

Why does it hurt so much? Was the pain from before not enough God?

I know I can feel the wind moving around me, am I flying? No something is holding me. The demon?

Am I going to hell? I guess I deserve it then. This pain. I loved him to much, I couldn't let him go. I did an unforgivable act. I succeed where He failed. I'm sorry God, I just couldn't live on anymore without him with me.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." _Why?_

"_I'm sorry Bella, it's just a little further. You'll be home soon, just hang in there."_

What was that? Was that Satan? No. It was familiar, that voice. But where have I heard it before? But where in this timeless, painful void could that voice be coming from. It's surrounding me, as if I could feel the vibrations before the words come. Aww, peace. It's so quiet. I don't want it quiet. Then I can hear myself think.

"_I hope you will forgive me. I had no choice, I couldn't let you go out like that. I'm sorry, I'll find a way to make it all better."_

Again that voice. Wait that voice. It couldn't be. Carisle. Why would I hear him in hell? He wouldn't be here. He's to pure hearted to go to hell. I wish he would speak again.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

That scream and infernal whimpering. I wish they would stop. I would rather just hear the quietness than the screaming.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

"_Shush, it'll be alright. I've got you. I promise I wont let you hurt anymore, just hold on a little longer, please. The pain will stop I promise. Just please hold on."_

Hold on, hold on to what? Me? This pain? What? Hold on to what?

"_I'm sure you miss Alice cause she sure misses you. She hasn't been shopping since we left. She really hasn't been herself much either. Jasper is at his wits end. He doesn't know what to do to help her. Which makes him feel worse. He thinks you hate him. I don't think you do. I don't think it's possible for you to hate anyone. Or at least before, now . . . I know you will hate me at least. I wont blame you."_

Alice? Jasper? Hate who? Carisle? Why would I hate Jasper or you? You don't make a lot of sense. But why would you in my personal hell. All you did was leave. Without word, without a goodbye, without me. You were my father in all sense. I trusted you. All of you. It hurts. I ca . . . can't . . . It hurts. Da . . . daddy make it stop. Please. Da. . . where am I? . . . It hurts. . . it . . . hu . . .

Cpov

I thought talking to her would help. She's being to quiet. Stopping and taking a look around, I deduce I have at least another hour to go. She's being so quiet. I wish she would make some noise, even a scream. Her heart rate is getting a little faster, and her temperature is subtly going down slowly. So fat the transformation is going as it normally should. She's just being too quiet. Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out. I need to hurry. Picking up the pace again I race home. I have to get back there soon.

"My poor baby, we should have never left."

How could I have hurt my own child like this? How could I have left such a sweet child behind? Never again. I don't care who I have to fight down, I'm not leaving her behind again.

"I promise my little Bella, never again."

The house is close now, I can smell Alice and Jasper.

"Carisle, coming up beside you." Jasper's southern drawl comes from my left, while I sense Alice near my right.

"She's going to wake early. Tomorrow night. But something not right, she's blurry. I can see us moving around her, interacting with her, but her herself, she's fuzzy."

I knew it. Something was wrong.

"Are you sure Alice? Do see anything else? Will she be alright?"

"No nothing about her per say, I mean other than fuzzy glimpses here and there, nothing. When you were gone, we decided as a group Edward shouldn't know about this for awhile. I still can't see him to well either. I don't know if she will be alright. I do know is she's going to make it through the transformation just fine. You didn't make any mistakes Carisle. You did everything you could. You made it in time, and you took care of her. All we can do now is wait for her to wake up."

The house is in view now, I see Esme pacing the front porch. At least this house isn't made of a lot of glass like the one in Forks. It's three stories, with 9 rooms, 5 bathrooms, a kitchen, dinning room, living room, a den, my study, a joint library between Jasper and I, and a furnished basement. The outside is a simple white. Esme being heart-broken hasn't done much to decorate it up. My poor Esme, we have our little girl back.

"She's right Carisle. You did good. I'm sure things will clear up when she wakes up. Maybe Alice just can't see her because she's not making any decision on what she's going to do."

Jasper's right. He just has to be. I don't know what we will do if she doesn't make it. We need her, all of us.

_You don't wanna hurt me,_  
><em> But see how deep the bullet lies.<em>  
><em> Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.<em>  
><em> There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.<em>  
><em> So much hate for the ones we love?<em>  
><em> Tell me, we both matter, don't we?<em>

That's all for now. I know it's not much but I'm trying. I think it's a little longer than the first chapter so that a plus, probably by not even 50 words, but hey I'm trying. I promise it wont be as mopy or sad throughout the whole fic. There will be fun times as well but not for at least two more chapters. Some more things so I don't have to go explaining it in the story, Rosalie and Emmett are out looking for Edward to bring him back home. And no they have no clue about Bella changing or whats going on back home. Also I know there is major ocness, I will try to make them more in character. Thanks for taking the time to read, and it would be very much appreciated if you would also review.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Twilight or the characters or the song Du Riechst So Gut. I hate having to repeat that everytime.

_Insanity is only a narrow bridge, the banks are reason and desire  
>I'm going after you, the sunlight confuses the mind<br>A blind child that's crawling forward because it smells it's mother  
>The track is fresh and onto the bridge drips your sweat, your warm blood<br>I don't see you, I only smell you and I sense you  
>A predator that screams with hunger <em>

It's starting to all feel the same. The pain, blending and twisting all over my body, the cool sensations that every now and again brush against my arms or slide down my face. I want to scream. But I know if I do, no one will come. I'm alone. That's it now I remember, my name, it's Alone. That's right. Wait no. Who would name me? Does that make my name Noname by association? So many questions, and no will answer me.

"_Look at her. You can already see the changes."_

That voice. Again. No this one is different than the last one. I think. It hurts to much to remember.

_Lub-Dub, Lub-Dub, Lub-Dub._

My heart. It's beating like crazy.

_Lub-Dub, Lub-Dub, Lub-Dub, Lub-Dub._

"_I can feel her pain, so far it's normal. There's something else there, I don't know what though."_

"_Something else?"_

"_It's . . . how can I describe it? Behind the pain, there's a blank wall – no that doesn't sound right – okay the pain from the transformation, is right now the main emotion, the primary. There's a secondary emotion behind it, it's like an empty space. Numb all most, but a buzzed numb."_

"_Buzzed numb? Jazzy, that doesn't make any sense."_

"_There a tingling sensation there – how bout this, she's feeling the pain of becoming a vam-_

And this is where I tuned things out. I don't know who these voices are, or where they are coming from, but I don't want to hear anymore. I know what he was going to say. Vampire. Does he mean that this burning pain I'm feeling is apart of me becoming a vampire? Am I becoming a vampire? Great more questions. I know this isn't something I want. I don't know why, but I don't want to live forever. I don't want to live at all. For the life of me I can't remember why. Is it because I'm alone and have grown tired of it? No, that's retarded. I like being alone. It's the only way no one can ever hurt you. Oh goodie, more useless information I know, but don't know how I know it. How is it I can't tell myself my own name, yet I can remember to not trust anyone? All these smells aren't helping either. I can't place any of them. I know from the voices and smells, there are at least four other things out there. Out where I don't know. They keep making so many loud noises too.

Wait what was that? What are the voices talking about now?

"_-isle, Esme, hurry get up here. She's almost done."_

Done? Who's almost done? And done with what? _Aww. _The fires are getting stronger, only around my heart. How odd. My feet aren't fire anymore, nor my legs or hands and arms. It's just my chest. God, this is worse than when it was my whole body. Why do the voices have to scream and bang everything? _Awww._ Just make it stop. Somebody. Anybody. Please.

I feel my self bolt up into a sitting position and gasp in new air. I see two feet attached to legs strewn out in front of me. Wait those are mine. I have feet. I'm on a bed, covered with just a sheet.

"Bella. It's okay. Stay calm, your safe."

I don't know how, but some how I made it to the corner safely from the bed. And I'm crouching. Who said that.

That's when I notice I'm not alone. Those voices, I knew it. They weren't just in my mind. One of them is tall, with short blonde hair. He got on a white coat, white button up shirt, brown slacks. Why does he look the hurt one? The closest one to him has long brown hair, about mid back in length. She's wearing a light purple dress that cuts off at the knees. There are two others, one short, with pixie brown hair, in a some kind of designer white ruffle dress. The other has longer blonde hair than the first, except I think he is a little taller, while wear jeans and a button down black shirt. And something they all have in common is their golden eyes. What is it with these things and fancy clothes? What a spectacular time to realize I have nothing on? The one in the black shirt will be the hardest to take out, the other blonde and the female closest to him would be easier to get rid of. The window is blocked by the tall blonde, and the pixie. The door looks like an easier escape route.

What the fuck was that? I just, in the span of five seconds, went from clothes, to easiest thing to kill, to escaping. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Bella, honey? It's us." The short blonde spoke towards me.

Who is Bella? Who are they? Why is the tall blonde one looking at me oddly? I feel a grumbling in my throat as the pixie one moves closer to me. Wow, did I just growl? The tall blonde one quickly pulls the pixie back and moves her behind him.

"Bella do you know who I am?" The tall blonde one asked also in my direction.

Does that mean they named me Bella? Another growl from me in response.

"Do you know who you are?" That makes me pause. Who am I?

I move from my crouch to fast, and startle myself. Who am I? Another growl. This is to much, I can't concentrate when everyone keeps moving, the different colors, these questions, all these thoughts going through my mind to fast.

"Bella?" The one in purple questioned in my direction.

"Who's Bella?" That was my voice, it's so bellsy. I hear a little laugh from behind the tall blonde. And tilt my head. "Why do you keep me calling me that? Who are you? Why wont you leave me alone?"

"You're Bella. Do you not remember?" The short blonde asked me.

I jerk my head in his direction. _Don't trust him._ "Why should I tell you? I don't know who you are." I notice the clenching of his hands.

"Please Bella, we only want to help you." The one in purple moves in my direction slowly.

I can't help but growl. _Don't trust her. Stay away. _She stops.

"Stay away." I hiss. Holy shit I just hissed. What am I?

When I looked at the tall blonde one, I noticed he was staring intently at me. So what do I do, stare intently back. Why does he look so confused, or is it angry? Is he mad at me? What did I do to him?

"Your name is Bella. We are your family. My name is Carisle, this is my mate Esme. That's Jasper and his mate Alice. Don't you remember?" The short blonde keeps a calm voice, but his eyes, it hurts to look directly at them.

_Don't trust them. They'll hurt you._ Shut up. Nice now I'm having a headache. I try rubbing my temples, seeking relief from everything that's going on.

"Do you know what you are?" The tall blonde barks at me.

I can't help but freeze. Great now do I not only not know who I am, now I don't know what I am.

"Look all I know is, I don't trust any of you, I don't have a clue who I am, and now thanks to you, what I am. So why don't you all just leave me alone." I can't help but snap back. Why do I keep switching emotions so fast.

"Please. Just stay calm. We only want to help. Like Carisle said we're family. Please, it may take time, let us earn your trust." The pixie pokes her head out from behind the tall blonde, the short blonde called him Jasper. I guess that makes her Alice.

"Why should I?" I notice something in the corner of my eye to see the short blonde one opening and closing his fists, with his head bowed down. "Are you ok?"

His head moves in my direction. His eyes, is he crying? Why is he sad?

"Please, give us a chance. If in time it doesn't work than you . . . if you want to . . that is if you want to leave than you can." He bows his head again. "Please. For your safety we can't let you go out on your own just yet."

"My safety?" I feel like a cat, I can't stop tilting my head in confusion.

"You're a vampire. A new born. It would be to dangerous to release you out into the public." Jasper states like it was the most obvious thing.  
>"Vampire? Public? What are you talking about?" Moving my head in the opposite direction.<p>

"Bella, you are new born vampire. That means you don't have a lot of control when it comes to blood. Especially human blood. If you were to step outside unprepared, you would kill until you were either killed or found your own sense of control. Which if you went that way, it would take you years to learn how to stop." Jasper explains to me.

"Wait. Vampire? Human? What in the world are you going on about? I don't understand." I'm shouting by the end.

"Bella your a blood sucking vampire. Humans are filled with blood. Humans are not like vampires. They don't drink blood."

"Jasper!" Esme exclaims.

"So I am a vampire. And I have to kill humans. What if I don't want to? What then?" I don't want to kill another being. Even if it were to sustain myself.

"You don't have to kill humans Bella. You could be like us. We don't hunt humans. We hunt animals instead." Carisle, I could tell he was desperate for me to stay.

Why? Why does he care so much if I stay or not? Why does he even want me? _Be careful. Treed lightly. These vampires could hurt you too._

"I don't know."

What do I do? I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Do I stay? Do I go? I . . I . .

Sorry to leave you hanging even I don't know yet if she is going to stay or go. And I also don't know if she will get her memories back or not. Thanks for reading and please review. It's very much appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own Twilight or the poem Lost Memories by Logan Reed.

_Why do you fear,  
>when the path to take is so clear.<br>I can't remember what it's like to feel,  
>losing touch of what is real.<br>What is this place,  
>I ask as the tears run down my face,<br>I can't remember what to do,  
>I can't even remember you.<br>My mind a blank,  
>just lost in the ranks.<br>Stuck in the past,  
>my life, fading fast.<br>Fading, wasting, dissipating,  
>going away,<br>sun rising on another pointless day,  
>I wish for the old ways.<br>Lost memories,  
>never to be remembered,<br>gone, gone forever more. _

BPov

"I'll stay. For now." _If there is even a hint that they will hurt me, I'm gone._

Carisle let's out a sigh, _is he that relieved that I am going to be staying._

There is a deep burning in my throat. I latch my hand around my neck, _maybe the coolness of my skin can stop this fire._

No relief, but Jasper seemed to tense up.

"We should take her hunting Carisle. I wish Emmett was here to help." Jasper sounds like he is whining towards the end. _Emmett?_

"Who's Emmett? What do you mean hunting? Take me where?" _What in the hell is going on? _My hands ball up into fists at my side.

"Emmett is our brother, your brother too. He's out with his wife Rosalie looking for our other brother Edward. Do you remember Edward?"

_Edward? _"No, if I don't know who the four of you are, let alone who I am, how in the world am I supposed to know this Edward?" Esme sniffles and pulls herself up against Carisle. _What's the matter with her?_

"She doesn't remember him Carisle. What is going to happen when Emmett and Rosalie bring him back?" She hides her face into his shoulder.

"We'll deal with that when we get there. For now, Jasper you're with me, Esme and Alice I want you to stay here. Bella, would like to go hunting? I promise it will help quench that burning in your throat."

My hand goes back to my throat. _There is a way to make this stop? _"Fine I'll go with you." _Watch your back._

Esme and Alice leave the room, while Jasper and Carisle move towards the window. Jasper jumps out, while Carisle waits for me to join him.

"I want you to try jumping out of this window and land next to Jasper." I move and I am instantly beside Carisle looking out the window. _There has to be at least a three story drop._

"I know it looks a little intimid -

I jump, it feels like I just blinked and then I am on the ground. So disorientating.

"A natural." Jasper sounds amazed. _I jumped out of a window. What is so amazing about that?_

"I'm still waiting for her to trip. I'm glad be made a vampire has at least helped her with that." Carisle says from right behind me.

"What are you two talking about?" _Why must they be so confusing?_

"I am sorry Bella. I was just reminiscing of when you were human. You used to be a little clumsy." Jasper let out a laugh at what Carisle said.

"A little." Now both of them are laughing._ Wait. I used to be human?_

"I don't understand. Are you saying that I used to be human?"

"Yes Bella. Until a few hours ago, you were human." Carisle is holding something back. I know it. _Don't trust him._

"If I was human, then how did I become a vampire? What happened to me?" I know something isn't adding up. They aren't telling me everything.

"Something bad -

"Don't try to baby her Carisle. That's just making her more frustrated. She wants the truth, give it to her." _I think Jasper might be gaining some more gratitude from me. I knew there was something._

"Maybe this should hold off until after we get you fed." He's trying to come up with time, _what is he hiding?_

"I agree Carisle, this way Alice and Esme can be included in the conversation as well."_ Of course you agree._

"What do they have to do with this?"

"Bella, you mean something to all of us in different ways. You've had different experiences with each of us. Don't you think it would be better if you could get all your questions answered in one setting?"

_I will admit he makes a good point. _"Alright, I'll wait till after we "hunt"."

Sorry it took so long to update and that it is so short. Life just got busy and I had to take care of other things first. Thanks for reading and please review. If I get more reviews I will be more likely to try and update faster. Next chapter Bella's first hunt.


End file.
